Sadie’s Not My Real Name
In four short years, age 16-20, I was abused by two men— one my romantic peer and one my superior. I call them Mr. Magoo and the (Un)incredible Hulk. One abused his power; another abused my body. If there is a sliding scale to being mistreated, the physical abuse in a romantic relationship was worse. But, the abuse by a trusted employer and spiritual mentor left me reeling. To make sense of God’s heart for me, while coping with the abuser’s indiscretions toward me, took me a lifetime. So, they are both hard and I hate that I feel like I have to choose. The way I often find myself choosing is that the lesser is easier to talk about and explore while the deep wounded places are more difficult to voice.
I use the name Sadie for a layer of insulation in the hard conversations and a loose anonymity to speak in the third person as though it happened to someone else besides me. I chose the name Sadie because I was never brave enough to call one of my own daughters by that name. (though I suggested it for their baby dolls’ name often) So, this is my creation: bravely & courageously named where I was otherwise a coward.
This site, Sadie Speaks, is my safe place in poetry and painting where my voice was expressed first. Pen over paper and at the bottom of a make up brush, I found words and pictures to the decades of silence that gave me such loneliness.
Because abuse leaves you in a real world with other responsibilities, I’ve included motherhood and marriage, homemaking and educating on this site, too. Navigating healing while surrounded by children and friendships and dirty laundry and a hungry husband was a blessing and a gift.
If you are feeling alone, I hope my story resonates with yours. If you find The Faith and prayer currently difficult, know that I once did also. Yet, my greatest healing has been at the hands of the Great Healer and Counselor of our souls, The One True God, Jesus. And that is my wish for you as well. Godspeed.Sadie Lou from Kalamazoo